There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
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At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
But I really needed water water water
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
My sex drive has a dui
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this