I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
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Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches