When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
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I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
I WON A HAM TODAY
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Thursday Thought.
Cucumbers Anonymous
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]