Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
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Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)