I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
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[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?