A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
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my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Software Development ⛵️
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.