We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
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Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Anime is real
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap