Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
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*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!