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“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage