In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
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OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁