That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
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I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King