Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
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When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Meth is short for Elizameth.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any