Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
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Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
pelicons
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Not helping
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “