REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
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I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.