[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
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ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Blew out my flip flop…
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
See..?
.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.