My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
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Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
one last job
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Candles never taste the way they smell
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward