MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
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My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
the last thing a carrot sees
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
When your man makes a valid point
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program