I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
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“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
be careful
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.