There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
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I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.