if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
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Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
accurate
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.