I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
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From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…