I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
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Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
my one true gender
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.