What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
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[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Geez man, take it easy.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”