Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
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Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.