Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
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If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Merica.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.