Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
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She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies