Adultry does not sound fun at all
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I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.