I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
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I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.