Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
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My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you