This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
You Might Also Like
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Lucky old June.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.