It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
You Might Also Like
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days