Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
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I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them