WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
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Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Beware of the dog..
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*