[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
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If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
“How’s your day going?”
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that