VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
You Might Also Like
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.