[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
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Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater