I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
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Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”