You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
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My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
What is going on? 😅
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Sooo many times…..
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
So glad we cleared that up
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
just pretend nothing happened