Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
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Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up