i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
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My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU