Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
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Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Y’all know who you are.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
How it started How it’s going
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack