Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
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Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
LOOOOOOL
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
This came to me in a dream.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”