I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
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My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
My friend is an excellent librarian.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.