Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
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[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Who’s your best friend?
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.