Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
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Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
My love language is hissing.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip