4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
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This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Our lord and savoury.