House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
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Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
forgive me baja for i have blast
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
A collection of me turning into random objects.
My dad is at it again
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos