Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
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Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Netflix and awkward silence?
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.