“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
You Might Also Like
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
When you “pspspsp” too hard
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?