My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
You Might Also Like
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
The news is so predictable nowadays
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.